


Little Pricks

by Lauralot



Series: Daddy Issues [16]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Dark, Alternate Universe - Vampire, Blood, Christianity, Domestic, Embarrassment, Fish, Gen, Halloween, Kid Fic, Kidnapping, Past Child Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, Past Torture, Stuffed Toys, Time Skips
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-31
Updated: 2017-08-09
Packaged: 2018-08-28 02:54:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 8,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8428666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lauralot/pseuds/Lauralot
Summary: A series of vignettes about Tony Stark and his ridiculous vampire friends.





	1. Bat-Napping

**Author's Note:**

> These are self-contained, short fics set in the vampire universe estalished in [_Suck the Life out of Me_](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6244474/chapters/14307034). They may not make sense if you haven't read that fic, so you might want to check that out first. The short version is that Bucky made Steve a vampire, and then they adopted tiny vampire James. (James originates from [another AU](http://archiveofourown.org/works/4796900/chapters/10978151) in which Bucky split into three people: his pre-Soldier self, his Soldier self, and his child side).
> 
> The original fic was dark. These stories tend to be on the lighter side, but not always.
> 
> Happy Halloween, everyone!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vampires don't need naps.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is set in 2016.

The crayon moved outside the lines of the coloring book as James slumped forward, eyes half-shut.

“Hey, kiddo,” Tony said. “It looks like you need a nap.”

“No,” James protested, forcing himself upright. “I’m fine.”

“You’re falling asleep on your crayons.”

“I’m over three hundred years old and I’m a vampire!” James snapped. “I don’t need naps!”

“Well, come be a vampire on my bed, then.”

“No!”

Tony gave it a few minutes, in which James nearly fell asleep twice more. “James, want to come watch movies on my bed? You can pick what we watch.”

“Uh-huh,” James said, setting his crayon down.


	2. Spooky Scary Skeletons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony takes James to a haunted house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is set in 1988.

This was going to be stupid.

The sign beckoning them into the haunted house was just poster board with glow-in-the-dark paint slapped on top of it.  There were fake spiderwebs with orange plastic spiders stuck on them draped around the facade of the church.  They looked like the spider rings that came with bakery Halloween cupcakes.  Tony thought they probably were.

Granted, he couldn’t expect a Methodist youth group’s haunted house to be worth a damn, but James was going to sulk.

Every time the vampires visited around Halloween, James always begged for everyone to go to a haunted house.  “A really scary one,” he’d plead, tugging on Steve’s pants and hopping up and down.  “It’ll be fun!”

Tony could never figure out why an actual undead being would want to see some actors in latex masks popping out around corners, but he’d always been amenable to the idea just to make the kid happy.

His dad and Steve were a different story.  They preferred the vampire’s visits to be quiet affairs at home, full of reminiscing and catching up.  “It’s nice to talk to your friends,” Steve would always tell James.  “When you run around doing other things, it’s like you have nothing to say.”

That was always the excuse, anyway.  Tony thought that they probably just didn’t want to deal with strobe lights, fog machines, and shrieking teenagers.  And the promise of trick-or-treating or picking out a costume always managed to distract James.

But this year, Tony could drive.  And this was the first time he’d seen the vampires since he’d realized just how _fucked up_ it was that his childhood best friend was now more like a babysitting charge, one who could never mature or provide for himself or truly process any of the information that came into his halted mind.

Tony needed a break.  He couldn’t handle an evening of bears and coloring books, not right now.

The church doors swung open and a woman with a witch’s hat and an obviously fake nose let out a lackluster cackle.  “The next group may enter - if you dare!”

Holding in a sigh, Tony offered his hand to James.  When he’d offered to drive the kid to a haunted house, he was thinking of a professional place, the kind of haunts that advertised on billboards and the radio.  But it was the night before Halloween, and the lines around those places spanned blocks.  So here they were.  Some treat.  “Ready, Donatello?”

James huffed, adjusting the orange sweatband-turned mask around his eyes.  “I’m Michelangelo!” he insisted.

He looked more like a regular kid with a green backpack than any sort of turtle, but Tony just nodded.  “Right, right, sorry.  Don’t know what I was thinking, Mikey.  Let’s go.”

Well, maybe the church setting would be a little unnerving for James, at least.  Crosses and holy water didn’t actually hurt the vampires, but James did love Dracula and he was pretty suggestible.  What kid wasn’t?

But the interior of the haunt turned out even more disappointing.  Tony had to hold in a groan as an overacting ghost guided James through sticking his hands into bowls of “brains” and “eyeballs.”  Somewhere in the distance was either the world’s slowest strobe light, or someone _flicking the light switch up and down_.  Unbelievable.

They moved from one flimsily partitioned room to another, walking through poorly disguised party streamers and occasionally feeling mists from spray bottles.  The props all looked like they came from dollar store clearance bins; one room held a “medical tray” with the cookie sheet price sticker still clearly visible, peeking out from under a fake heart.  One of the actors made an ill-advised attempt at improvisation and shouted after James that he’d make him into “turtle soup.”

The lights on a hastily constructed faux-electric chair failed to come on when the executioner flipped the switch, and Tony did sigh, looking around for an exit.  “James, maybe we should just get some ice cre—James?”

James had his face buried against Tony’s leg, his little hands clutching onto the denim for dear life.  Tony couldn’t hear him over the actors’ shrieks and the cassette of stock spooky sound effects, but he was probably whimpering.

He knelt down, scooping the kid up, and James promptly hid his face against Tony’s neck.  There was no scrape of fangs on flesh, though Tony instinctively braced himself for it.  What had _happened_?  Had an actor hit James by mistake?  “What’s wrong, buddy?”

James was right up against his ear, but Tony could still only just make out, “There’s a big scary skeleton.”

With a blink, he scanned the room.  At the far end, behind a set of prison bars clearly made from dowel rods and electrical tape, was some teen in a cheap skeleton costume: white bones screen-printed on black fabric.  The bones were probably meant to glow in the dark, but they’d been out of the light too long for the effect to still work.  The skeleton was hopping around, waving his bony fingers.

“Seriously?” Tony muttered.  


James was whimpering again.

“Hey, it’s okay.”  Tony patted the kid’s back, giving the skeleton a wide berth as they left the room.  “I’m not gonna let any skeletons get you.  He’s gone now, see?”  


There weren’t any more skeletons, but James insisted on being held until they were back in the parking lot and Tony had to strap him in his seat.

“Nobody can ever know about this,” James said solemnly, later on after they’d stopped again for ice cream.  He was slurping down what he called a ‘bloody sundae’, which was really just vanilla ice cream covered in strawberry syrup.  The syrup was all over his face and some of his mask.  


Tony popped the last bit of his own ice cream cone into his mouth and started the car again.  He was already sure that James would sneak into his bed in the night, just to make sure _Tony_ wasn’t scared, of course.  Hopefully he’d be wearing socks when he did; the kid’s feet were like ice.

But at least then James’s fear would be a distraction.  Tony didn’t think he could stand another night just staring up at the ceiling and wondering what a hell the vampires’ lives must be.

“Tony!” James insisted.  “You’ve gotta promise you won’t tell Daddy and Howard!”  


“Sure thing, Raphael.”  


“Michelangelo!” James said, ice cream dripping into his lap.  


“Whatever you say.”


	3. Sometimes It Seems So Normal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brock and James feed ducks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is set in 1927.

“We need ducks.”

Brock knew it was coming. James had asked the same thing every single day this week, each time Brock brought him to the park. Brock could set a watch by it at this point.

“Ducks wouldn’t be happy in an apartment, James,” Brock said. "They’d be sad.“ Since just saying no and trying logic hadn’t worked in the past few days, maybe he could appeal to the kid’s emotions.

James frowned, watching the ducks peck at the breadcrumbs he’d scattered. "Why?”

“Where would they stretch their wings?”

“We could take them to the roof,” James said. "Or the fire escape! They’d come back.“

Like hell they would, but Brock didn’t want to deal with tears. "Ducks like to swim, James. They need lakes.”

“They can use the tub!”

“Where would we take baths?” Brock asked patiently.

“Then we can build a pool,” James insisted. Stubborn little kid. "We don’t need the living room, not really.“

He reached out to pet one of the ducks, which snapped at his hand.

Brock darted over, scooping the kid into his arms. "See?” he asked. "They’re wild animals, James. It wouldn’t be fair to them to bring them home.“

James only pouted. He was probably already scheming up some duck-taming plan. How could such a small child contain this much absurdity?

_Oh well,_ Brock thought, setting James down safely away from the ducks. _At least he’ll grow out of—_

_Oh. Oh, right._

“Come on, James,” Brock said, holding out his hand. "Let’s get back home. It’s almost lunch time.“


	4. Zootopia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Popcorn can't fill vampires up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is set in 2016.

_Zootopia’_ s a hell of a lot better than the time James begged and pleaded until Tony gave in and took him to _The Road Chip_ , he has to admit.  Trust Disney to make a movie that wouldn’t make the adults wish they’d smuggled in a flask.  Tony was surprised that Steve hadn’t claimed this movie for himself; the man loved animation when it was actually good.  He must have his hands full with Barnes still.

Whatever.  Tony’s just glad to be away from that mess.  And James is clearly enjoying himself too, bouncing along in his seat to the gazelle’s music as Judy arrives in Zootopia.

About halfway through the movie, though, James starts squirming in his seat.

“You need the bathroom?” Tony whispers, leaning down.  


James shakes his head.  “’M hungry.”

He knew the kid didn’t drink enough in the rush to get to the matinee on time.  They should have brought his canteen in; Tony could have smuggled it in his jacket.  “Here.”  He holds out the popcorn.  It’s not what James _needs_ , but having something in his stomach can only help, right?

James sighs, but he takes a handful of popcorn, spilling some onto his lap.

He seems okay, if a little fidgety, until they’re they’re in the film’s third act.  Then he starts shuffling in his seat in earnest, scooting forward.  Toward the lady sitting in front of him.

Tony sets the popcorn to the side and scoops James up onto his lap.  “You know better,” he whispers.  “We’ll be home soon.  Just watch the movie for now, okay?”

“But I’m _hungry_.”  He sounds near to tears.  


“I know, kiddo.”  Tony bounces his legs a little.  “It won’t be too long, I promise.”  


He starts when he feels the kid take hold of his fingers and slide them into his tiny mouth, sucking.  There’s no teeth involved.  James knows Tony wouldn’t allow it.

Fine.  He can be a pacifier if that’s what will keep James from a meltdown.  Sure, the kid’s too old for this sort of thing by hundreds of years, but whatever.  It’s not like Tony can have standards for normalcy when he has a bunch of vampires as house guests.


	5. Bucky Bear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky is a wonderful parent when he can be bothered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is set in 1732.

“James!” Papa’s voice rang out. The way his voice stretched whenever he called for James sounded almost like music. It was really pretty.

James scampered up, careful not to trip over his own feet. He was wearing another new outfit from the tailor that Daddy and Papa found for him. Papa had never seen it before, and James didn’t want to soil it.

He ran inside, where a pair of hands grabbed him and swept him up into a hug before he could even look around.

“I bought you a present!” Papa said, holding him tight.

He said that almost every day. At first, it made James more and more nervous. Surely Papa would get sick of him like James’s first parents had, and the presents would stop and James would be back on the street.

But the presents and hugs kept coming, and James had been here for a month now.

“That’s a new outfit,” Papa said, shifting James so he could hold him out and look at him. His smile widened. His breath smelled like blood, but not like any of the servants. “James dear, you look darling.”

Then Papa was hugging him again. James hugged back, holding as tight as he could.

“Now then,” Papa said, setting James down on the floor. “Look what I got you!”

It was a soft brown bear toy with a shiny red ribbon around his neck.

James had never seen a stuffed bear before, not one that wasn’t a living bear before it was stuffed. He’d seen rag dolls and little bears carved out of wood, but this was different. He was a soft, fuzzy bear who wasn’t made of real fur. James couldn’t imagine where Papa had found him.

He hugged onto the bear and onto Papa’s leg at the same time. “I love him!”

“Good,” Papa said, ruffling James’s hair. “He seemed perfect for you.”

“I love you,” James said. “I’m going to call him Bucky.”

Papa laughed and scooped him up, telling him how charming he was. James squeezed the Bucky Bear again. Of all the presents Papa had given him, he decided the bear was his favorite.


	6. Disneyland

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes vampires just need hugs from princesses.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is set in 2014.

“James.” Steve takes one hand off of the steering wheel and reaches behind him, giving his son’s foot a gentle shake. “Wake up, little lamb.”

James shifts in the car seat, whining and rubbing at his eyes. Steve can see him frowning in the rearview mirror, first at his surroundings and then at the clothes Steve put him in before strapping him in the seat.

“Why are we driving?” James asks, his words muddled and sleepy. “Did Tony throw us out?”

“Of course not.” Steve takes a thermos from the cup holder and passes it back to James. The whole morning will be spoiled if James is hungry. “We’ll go back to his house later. Right now we’re going to Disneyland.”

James takes the thermos, but his frown only grows. “But we were there the other day, Daddy. I can’t ride anything.”

That’s not actually true. There are lots of rides that James got to go on. Disney wouldn’t be much of a family friendly park if it couldn’t accommodate little children. It’s just that James is too small for the rides he’d really wanted to go on, Space Mountain and Tower of Terror, and that had soured his mood for the whole day.

“We’re not going for the rides today,” Steve says, although he’s sure James will want to go on the Dumbo and teacup rides again, and he’s fine with that. “Drink that, all right? You can’t be hungry if you want to have breakfast with Ariel.”

James almost drops the thermos. “We’re having breakfast with Ariel?”

“Yeah.” Steve had to bribe an employee over the phone to get a reservation so quickly, but it’s worth it to see the smile lighting up his kid’s face. “And some other princesses too. So drink up, unless you want to bite one of them by accident.”

James chugs the blood so quickly that Steve has to warn him to slow down.


	7. Everything's All Right

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brock loses his patience.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is set in 1926.

“I’m hungry.”  


Holding in a sigh, Brock checked his watch.  It _was_ time for the little parasite to feed.  But Bucky had demanded that Brock go out this morning to retrieve some ludicrously expensive vintage of wine that he had sent for, so James was just going to have to wait.  The kid couldn’t feed on the train platform.  There were too many people around.

“Brock.”  James tugged on his pant leg.  “I’m _hungry_.”  


“I know.  Just wait until the train gets here, all right?”  


James sighed heavily.  Waiting a few more minutes for food was the greatest struggle the little brat had probably faced in his whole life.  It wasn’t James’s fault, not really.  He couldn’t help that he was being raised by a pair of amoral monsters.  But it was a year ago today that Brock woke up in Steve’s godforsaken apartment, and Brock wasn’t in the mood to be generous.

A few minutes passed in silence, the kid fidgeting at Brock’s side.  The train was running late.  The sky was dreary, the air damp and muggy.

“I’m hungry,” James whined, drawing the word out.  


“I heard you before,” Brock said as patiently as he could.  He didn’t want to deal with tears; the temptation to shove the sobbing little monster onto the tracks would be too strong.  “I can’t do anything about that right now.  You know that.”  


“But I’m hungry,” James insisted.  His eyes were already sparkling.  Fucking great.  


“Shut up, kid,” Brock muttered, too low for the little vampire to hear him.  He stared off into the distance.  Maybe that was a train on the horizon.  Or maybe it was just wishful thinking.  


There was a sharp, sudden pain in his leg.  James had bitten him just above the knee, teeth stabbing straight through his pants.  The wine bottle nearly fell from Brock’s hands.

He didn’t plan to backhand the kid.  It was an instinctive response.  Brock thought he’d grown numb and accustomed to the pain of fangs, but the sudden shock of the bite on a space the vampires had never fed from before proved him wrong.

“Little bastard!”  


Some people were staring.  But now the train was rushing toward them, and most of the commuters were looking away from the little boy crying on the platform.

“I ought to leave you here,” Brock said.  It was an empty threat and they both knew it, but his leg was throbbing, his pants stained with blood, and any sympathy Brock had ever felt for the little demon was buried under his hurt and frustration.  


When the train doors swished open, Brock stepped inside.  James didn’t follow.

He rolled his eyes, turning.  “Come the fuck on, I’m not gonna - ”

James was crying.

That alone didn’t give Brock pause.  The kid cried on a daily basis, usually over the stupidest little things, like Brock telling him he couldn’t fill the bathtub with ducks.  This was different.

James was sobbing, shoulders heaving with each lurching breath.  But aside from the gasps of air in and out, he was completely silent.  His hands were shaking, and he’d made no effort to pull himself up.

“James?”  Brock stepped out of the train, feeling a burning jolt through his injured leg as he did.  “James?”  


What if he’d seriously hurt the kid?  Brock had never laid a hand on him before.  But vampires were supposed to be indestructible.  Steve and Bucky certainly were.  Did the rules not apply to kids?

“Hey.”  He knelt down, ignoring the way his leg blazed with pain.  “James.  C’mon, we gotta get home.”  


“Don’t leave me!” James tried to clamp his hands around Brock’s wrist, but he was still trembling like a leaf.  “Please!  Don’t leave again, I’ll be good!”  


“I’m not leaving - ” Brock began, but James was too frantic to hear him.  


“I’m sorry, I was just so hungry please please please don’t go I won’t do it again don’t hate me don’t leave me behind again _please_!”

Melodrama was James’s chief personality trait, sure, but this was going too far even for him.  Brock had never been out of the kid’s line of sight when he stepped onto the train.  Clearly, abandonment was an issue for James, which made sense.  The kid had said Bucky breezed in and out of his and Steve’s lives whenever he pleased.  Maybe Bucky had slapped James once.  Or berated him for whining about food.

“I’m not leaving, James.”  Brock set the bottle down, giving the kid’s tiny, shaking hand a squeeze.  “I’m sorry.  I shouldn’t have done that to you.  I’m sorry.”  


Parasite or not, the kid couldn’t help what he was.  He didn’t deserve to get slapped around for it.

“I’m sorry!” James insisted.  


“I know.”  Brock held in a grunt as he shifted to sit down, pulling the kid close.  The doors of the train were closing.  “I know.  It’s all right.”  


James melted into his arms for the slightest second before his little body tensed up again.  “We’re missing the train!”

“I don’t care,” Brock said, holding tight to the squirming little vampire.  “There’s gonna be another one.  Besides.”  He freed one hand just long enough to tug the scarf away from his neck.  “It’s just you and me now.  You can eat.  It’s all right.”  


He hissed a little at the feeling of teeth on his throat.  Tiny trickles of blood soaked into the collar of his shirt; James was still shaky and mumbling apologies even as he fed.

“It’s all right,” Brock repeated, rubbing at the kid’s back.  “James, it’s all right.”

They both knew it wasn’t, but if he said it enough, then they could trick themselves, if only for a while.


	8. History Lesson

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vampires know everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is set in 2012.

James was trying to stop having a reflection.  He did this by standing beside a mirror with his eyes squeezed shut, concentrating so hard he shook, and then jumping in front of the mirror.  Every time, the anticipation on his little face slumped into disappointment.

Tony had tried to explain to him that no matter what Bram Stoker said, light didn’t work that way.  But James had only pouted and said that vampires could do anything if they tried hard enough.

“He’s how old?” Bruce muttered, watching the kid hop in front of the mirror again, spreading out his little dress-up cape.  


“Three hundred and five,” Tony answered.  They both watched as James sighed at the mirror before slurking off to the side of it again.

“Does he _remember_  all that time?”  


“Yeah,” Tony said.  If James couldn’t retain information from the past, then there was no way he’d be able to do calculus or any of the other things he liked to show off.  Five year olds didn’t do that stuff.  Not unless they were five year old Starks.  “He just never matures.”

Bruce looked sickened, but fascinated as well.  “They must have so much knowledge.  Of history, daily life hundreds of years ago.  The innovations they’ve lived through - ”

“Hey, James,” Tony said, breaking the little vampire’s concentration.  “Tell us about the French revolution, buddy.”  


“Uh.”  James looked confused.  He’d been concentrating so hard on not having a reflection that Tony wasn’t sure if he even remembered what France was at this point.  “There was this, um.  All the French people got mad at the queen ‘cause they wanted bread but she only gave them cake.”  


“Good job,” Tony said, and the kid turned his focus back to the mirror.  “See, he’s still got a five year old’s understanding of the world around him.  You actually want to learn anything, talk to Steve.”  Not Bucky.  Never Bucky.  


Bruce was definitely pale now.  Everyone was always so excited about the vampires until reality sunk in.

“James,” Tony couldn’t resist saying.  “Why are there big cats and house cats?”  


James gave a little huff at the interruption.  “’Cause there wasn’t room for all the animals on the ark, so God made some of ‘em shrink.”  His tone said this should be obvious.

“You’ve got to admit,” Tony said to Bruce, “once you look past the existential horror, he’s pretty cute.”


	9. Do Unto Others

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James finds religion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is set in 2012, immediately after the last chapter.

“You’ve got to admit,” Tony said to Bruce, “once you look past the existential horror, he’s pretty cute.”  


Bruce looked more unnerved than ever.  “Is he religious?” he asked, staring at James.

“I don’t think any vampires are religious.”  Not that Tony had met, at least.  “He’s just five.  He talks about Santa sometimes too.”  


Tony didn’t ask James any more questions about the origins of life, and Bruce didn’t ask anything else about the vampires.  James continued trying to will himself out of having a reflection.  The day went on as usual.

*

The next morning, having fended off Bucky’s increasingly less subtle come-ons three times before he could even finish a cup of coffee, Tony decided to seal himself in his lab alone for the rest of the day.

He was being reasonably productive when he looked through the glass doors to find James standing before them with his eyes shut, body tensed.

“You’re still reflecting, kiddo.”  


“No,” James said, annoyed.  “That was _yesterday_.  Today I’m gonna turn into mist and get under the door.”  


Tony decided not to get into any of the infinite reasons that wouldn’t work.  “Sorry, James.  I need some ‘me time’ today, all right?  So no vampires in the lab.”

“But I won’t take up very much room,” James protested, wide-eyed.  


“No vampires,” Tony said firmly.  “Not even tiny vampires.  Can you go play with your daddy?”  


Instead, James stood stiffly in front of the door, eyes shut, for another hour.  Tony finally looked up to find him gone.  JARVIS reported that he’d gone to watch television.

 _Good_ , Tony thought.   _He won’t get into any trouble that way_.

*

James climbed into his seat at the dinner table.  He put his bear on the table next to his plate, and then bowed his head, hands clasped.

“What are you doing, kiddo?” Tony asked.  Steve and Bucky were both staring at the kid.  


“I’m a Christian now,” James said, giving a little fanged smile.  “You wouldn’t let me play so I watched TV and there was a guy on TV who said there was somebody lonely watching, and that was me.  And he said Jesus wanted to give me his blood.  And now I’m magic and I cured my bear of lupus.”  


How the hell did televangelist scammers make it through JARVIS’s parental control filters?  “James,” Tony began.  “Those people on TV aren’t Christians.  They just want money.”

James didn’t answer.  He was waving his fork at the bear as if he were holding a magic wand, chanting in tongues.

There was an ugly, haughty laugh.  “A Christian vampire,” Bucky said.  “You little fool.  Here, let me get the nails to pin you to the cross, if you want to crucify yourself so badly.”

Which of course led to James crying loudly on Steve’s lap.  Tony vowed to never let the kid near a TV again.

*

Either Steve had a closer connection to his Irish Catholic roots than he let on, or he just liked pissing Bucky off.  Either way, James somehow ended up with a Bible, and sometimes Tony heard him muttering ornate prayers that someone must have taught him.  “Look!” James would say, tugging on Tony’s pants and holding up the book.  “See?  John 6:53!  We’re all supposed to be vampires!”

Another time he woke Tony up by jumping up and down on his bed, giggling.  “Tony!  Tony!  Daddy said there’s a saint-guy named Corbinian who has a pet bear that he rode all the way to Rome!  Bears are Christian too!”

“James,” Tony had groaned.  “You know Christians are supposed to do unto others, right?  Would you like it if I woke you up?”  


James didn’t answer, still hopping and laughing.

*

A week of hymns and tin foil halos later, and James sat down to breakfast without making the sign of the cross.

“You’re not going to pray?” Tony asked.  


“Did you know Thor’s a god too?”  James wiped at his mouth, smearing blood on his face.  “And he’s really, really cool.  I’m Asgardian now.”  


Well, maybe Tony could get him to throw hammers at Bucky.


	10. Clean Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even vampires can't escape chores.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is set in 2013.

Tony stepped into the bedroom and immediately felt a teddy bear underfoot.  He held in a sigh, seeing the bears strewn all across the floor.  The vampires hadn’t even been here a week yet, and James’s bears had already migrated from the guest bedroom into Tony’s space.

“James,” he said, stooping down to pick up Brock Bear, “you need to pick up your toys.”  


“ _How dare you touch him_!”  


There was a dark blur and then James was at Tony’s side, ineffectually flailing at his shin.  He was wearing the ridiculous little caped tuxedo that Steve gave to him, and it looked like he’d tried to slick his hair back with an entire bottle of gel.

“How dare you cast eyes on him when I had forbidden it?” James was still shouting.  “Back, I tell you all! This man belongs to me! Beware how you meddle with him, or you’ll have to deal with me.”

Tony just stared down at the little vampire.  “What?”

“Master Rogers has just finished re-reading _Dracula_ ,” JARVIS supplied.  “He was prepared to watch the 1931 film once he had finished styling his hair.”  


A glance at the bed confirmed that JARVIS had pulled up a holo-screen for film-viewing in front of it.

“Fine,” Tony said.  At least it would keep James out of trouble for a couple of hours.  “But you need to pick up your bears before the movie, okay kiddo?”  


“Vampires don’t have to clean!” James protested, immediately dropping character.  “That’s what they hypnotize humans for!”  


“Well, I’m not hypnotized, and your bears are in the way.”  Tony stepped around James before the kid could start biting, sitting down on the bed.  “You can’t come up here and watch any movies until your bears are straightened up.”  


James stomped his foot on the floor.  “Pepper _said_ I could play bears in here!”

Of course she had.  Pepper was utterly enamored with the little bloodsucker, cooing all over him and his miniature Dracula costume when he and Steve had first arrived.  Pepper just loved the kid.  And he’d charmed the woman at the front desk of the tower, too, and the maid who came to change the guest linens in the morning.  Vampires oozed charisma until you got to know how ridiculous they really were.

“You can play, but you have to pick up your toys.  Those are the rules, kiddo.”  


James scowled, his face going red.  “You think to baffle me, you with your pale faces all in a row, like sheep in a butcher's. You shall be sorry yet, each one of you! You think you have left me without a place to rest, but I have more. My revenge is just begun! I spread it over centuries, and time is on my side. Your girls that you all love are mine already. And through them you and others shall yet be mine, my creatures, to do my bidding and to be my jackals when I want to feed. Bah!”

“Yeah, James.”  Tony flopped back on the mattress.  “That’s cute.  But no movies until you clean up.”

James gave the loudest sigh possible and started scooping up his bears. 


	11. Jaws

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James identifies with sharks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is set in 2016.

“Hey, kiddo.”  Tony eased down on the couch next to James, who was clutching his Steve Bear to his chest, knees drawn up, staring at the television.  He’d been watching Sesame Street for four hours straight and had ignored the blood bags he was offered, even when Pepper poured one into a wine glass and added a crazy straw.  “Want to help me pick out some pets?”  


Admittedly, kidnapping the little vampire probably hadn’t been the best way to deal with things.

It wasn’t really kidnapping anyway, no matter what Pepper said about legality.  And whether any laws were being broken was moot; Steve wasn’t about to go to the police.  Tony hadn’t exactly planned to throw Steve out of the tower without James, but he hadn’t thought of the kid when he had the Iron Man suits strong arm Steve out the doors.  He hadn’t been thinking straight at all.

Tony figured he was probably justified in jumping the gun a little after finding out that Steve used to keep humans as slaves for their blood.  James had said Steve slept with their “nurses” too, and Tony’s stomach churned at the thought, because what if that was as forced as their servitude?  James had looked so guileless when he said it, bouncing his bears around on Tony’s bed, as if he couldn’t understand how fucked up it was.

Maybe it was for the best that he hadn’t sent James off with Steve.  There’s no way that environment could be healthy for a kid, even a never-aging one.

Except Tony had no idea what to do with James in the long term.  He couldn’t say if he’d ever calm down enough to speak to Steve again, to at least work out where the kid should stay.

Trying to pull James out of his depressive slump was more manageable and ought to be the priority right now anyway.

James finally pulled his eyes away from the muppets onscreen, forehead creasing as he looked at Tony.  “Huh?”

“Pepper and I want some fish tanks,” he explained.  They didn’t, but fish were easy to care for, and maybe Pepper could make some sort of aquaponic garden out of the whole setup.  “You like fish, right?”  


“Well.  Maybe.”  James was still frowning, guarded, but at least he wasn’t sobbing for his daddy or ignoring the world around him anymore.

“I was thinking we could get a tank just for you,” Tony said.  “If you’re feeling up to it.  And all the fish in there could be yours, and you’d get to pick them out and name them and feed them.  Does that sound fun?”  


“I want sharks,” James said immediately.  


Tony held in a wince.  He should have known better than to think that this would be an easy fix.  “Why sharks, kiddo?”  Maybe James would say something easy, like that he liked the gray color or something, and then Tony could suggest some gray fish.

“They’ve got teeth like me.”  James had little teeth marks in his lower lip.  He’d bit himself bloody during the screaming fit that had accompanied realizing Steve was gone.  


Great.  The only substitute Tony could think of was piranhas, and there was no way he was giving James any of those, either.  “Sharks aren’t really an aquarium fish, Jamiepire.”

“They are so!” James protested.  “There are all kinds of big aquariums that brag about having sharks all the time!  There are!  And you asked what I wanted and I want sharks and you can’t take those away like you took away Daddy it’s not fair!”  


His eyes were welling with tears.

Tony sighed.  “Okay.”

James didn’t seem to hear him, sniffling into his bear. 

“James!  Okay, I’ll get you sharks.”  


James wiped at his face.  “Promise?”

“I promise.”  Tony held out the wine glass.  Somehow the blood hadn’t congealed.  “But you have to eat your meals if you want sharks, okay?”  


“Okay.”  


*

“Those aren’t sharks!”  


James scowled, hands pressed up against the aquarium glass. 

“Sure they are.”  Tony pointed to one of the small fish.  “Those are red tail sharks, these are rainbow sharks, and the ones here are bala sharks.  They’re freshwater sharks, James.”  Freshwater sharks that apparently didn’t play well together.  He’d had to get three tanks, one for each type of fish.  


“They aren’t real sharks!”  James stomped his foot.  


“They’re tiny sharks for a tiny vampire,” Tony said.  


“That’s cheating!”  


Tony had to take James’s hands to make sure he wouldn’t knock over the tanks.  “James, the sharks can hear you.  Don’t be mean.  Here, want to see how to feed them?”

James continued to sulk throughout the demonstration, though Tony couldn’t help but notice that the kid was basically glued to the tank for the next several hours.


	12. First Impressions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vampires have to play it cool, even around superheroes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is set in 2012.

“You didn’t tell me there were gonna be Avengers here!”  


Tony groaned, fingers searching for a pillow to pull over his head.  He only felt papers.  He’d fallen asleep at the workbench again.  Great.

“Tony!” James wailed.  He was stomping his little feet on the floor, and while Tony wasn’t sure of the time, he was absolutely sure it was too early for this.  “Daddy said Black Widow and Thor and Hawkeye are gonna be here and you didn’t even tell me!”  


“It was gonna be a surprise, James.”  Tony rubbed at his eyes, privately congratulating himself for not adding _you little hellspawn_ out loud.  


“No!”  The kid was wearing his bear pajamas.  What, had he run down here in the middle of his bedtime story to be annoying?  “No!  They’re Avengers and they’re cool and I have to make a good impression!”

“Bruce and I are Avengers too, you know.”  


“But they’re _new_  Avengers!” James insisted.  “And they have to think I’m cool!  And scary!”  


“James—”

There was a teltale sniffle that could only precede sobbing.  


Tony sighed.  “Fine.”

*

James had made Tony write out and sign “the rules.”  No calling James cute.  Or small.  Or anything else that made him sound ‘not cool.’  No embarrassing stories.  No picking him up.  No talking about James’s bears or his naps or any ‘kids’ stuff’ that he liked.  Tony had to use names like James the Magnificent or James the Impaler whenever he spoke about him.  No, wait, Tony should just always talk about James in hushed tones and say how cool and scary he was.  No, wait, Tony should omniously trail off whenever anybody asked about James, like James was too scary to even talk about.

The only reason Tony didn’t roll his eyes by the end of the list was because he was struggling enough just to keep them open.

Thankfully, nobody asked about James, so Tony didn’t have to break his promise to the little bloodsucker in order to maintain his own dignity.  James had apparently decided that being aloof made him scarier, so the most anyone saw of him the next day was a glimpse of his eyes in a doorway or the edge of his caped tuxedo fluttering as he darted into a different room.  Natasha raised her eyebrows once, and Clint and Thor both looked over their shoulders every now and again, but that was it.  Steve was actually present, and more than capable of satisfying their curiosities about vampires.

James didn’t make his appearance proper until right after dinner, when Steve had slipped off to get himself a blood bag.  Presumably at the kid’s request, JARVIS briefly dimmed the lights, interrupting everyone’s drinks and conversation.  Then James stalked in, frowning around the room.  He didn’t have his cape pulled up around his face like Bela Lugosi, so at least Tony could keep his own expression neutral, but maybe he should have.  There were little specks down the front of the tuxedo that Tony took for cookie crumbs.  He decided to keep quiet about it.

After a moment of staring, James hauled himself up on the couch cushions beside Clint, frown deepening when he couldn’t quite make it without a little climbing.  He settled into place as the lights came back up.

“Uh,” Clint said.  He did look a little unnerved; it was hard not to, coming face to face with an eternal child for the first time.  “Hey there.”  


“Good evening,” James said.  Tony had been half-expecting a Transylvanian accent.  Thankfully, James seemed to have realize that would take it over the top.  


“This is the young one that your friend spoke of?” Thor asked Tony.  


Any menace James had managed to create vanished the second he pouted.  “I’m not young,” he said.  “I’m three hundred and five and a half!”

Thankfully, James missed Clint’s smile at that because Thor answered, “That is still very young on Asgard, little one.”

James huffed, crossing his arms.  “I’m older than Steve!”

“Bruce likes to talk to James here about history,” Tony said quickly, before anybody could provoke the kid into a meltdown.  “Because he’s seen so much more than any human can in a lifetime.”

Well, mostly Bruce asked to try and gauge the kid’s level of psychological functioning and understanding of the world around him, but a little white lie couldn’t hurt, right?

“I was alive before America was even a country,” James added.  


“Cool,” Clint said, and James beamed.  


So of course that was when it all went to hell.

Steve came back in, sucking on a blood bag as if it were a juice pouch, and offering another to his kid.  “Here, James.”

James scowled.  He’d probably wanted everyone to think that he tracked down prey and tore it apart himself.  Wordless, he snatched the bag from Steve, unscrewing the cap.

Pepper spoke before Tony could intervene.  “James, tell your daddy thank you.”

All of the blood already in the kid’s body rushed to his face.  He hunched in on himself, fumbling with the cap in his frustration.

“James?” Pepper asked.  “Don’t be impoli—”

“He’s not my dad!” James snapped.

The plastic of the bag tore in his hands and blood rushed out down his front.  James froze, stunned.  Clint gave a little yelp and stood up, but Natasha dove forward.  There was a napkin in her hands that she must have grabbed from the table, and she was trying now to sop up the puddle forming in James’s lap.  


“Stop!”  James squirmed, failing to get free but succeeding in splattering blood all over.  “I can do it myself!  Stop it!”  


And then he was flailing in mid-air, because Steve had come around the back of the couch to scoop him up.  “Come on, James.  Let’s get you cleaned up.”

The wailing was still audible well after the vampires had left the room.

*

“It’s okay, James,” Tony said.  


“It’s not okay!”  James was still crying.  He’d been crying for the last two hours straight.  Well, he’d stopped for a little bit once Steve got him in a bath, but then Thor had stopped by to see if James was all right, and the god of thunder seeing James in a bubble bath had started the tears up again immediately.  


“Shh,” Steve said.  He was holding out a little goblet of blood with a crazy straw, but James wasn’t having it.  “It’s okay, lamb.  You need to eat.  You’ll feel better.”

“I won’t ever feel better!” James shrieked.  “They think I’m a stupid baby and now they’ll never want to hang out with me!”  


“If you drink your blood, you can have more of Pepper’s monster cookies,” Steve offered.  “Do you want cookies?  I’ll get you cookies.”  He set the goblet down on the nightstand, out of James’s flailing arm span, and rushed for the door.  


James continued to sob, tears soaking into the collar of his Sesame Street pajamas.

“Kiddo, don’t cry.”  Tony was practically pleading by this point.  “Look, Bruce and I know you call Steve your daddy and take bubble baths, and we still like you.”  


“But Thor and Black Widow are _cool_!”  


Being an actual adult, Tony was able to prevent himself from sulking.  The exclusion of Clint from the list of _cool_ Avengers may have helped a bit.  “James, they think you’re scary.  I promise.”

That actually wasn’t a lie.  Natasha and Clint had been white-faced for a while after Steve took James for a bath.  Both of them had seen no shortage of blood in their line of work, so Tony had to assume the horror of an immortal five year old who could never mature had struck them.  It had taken a while, but eventually Thor got that look too.

“They do not!”  


“Do so.”  It wasn’t Tony’s retort, but Natasha’s.  


He turned to find her in the doorway, along with Clint and Thor.

“You’re the scariest vampire I’ve ever met,” Clint added.  


“Much more frightening than your father,” Thor said.  


James sniffed.  He glanced around the room, taking in the teddy bears, the bat bedspread, and the crazy straw in his cup.  “Really?”

“Here.”  Natasha nudged past Tony and into the bedroom.  “Why don’t you tell us about all your vampire adventures?”  


It didn’t take long for the waver in James’s voice to stop completely.  All traces of the tears were gone by the time James started yawning and Natasha switched from listening to having Clint and Thor read James’s picture books to them.

Of course, that was when Steve returned with Pepper and a plate of freshly baked cookies.

“I’m glad you’re feeling better, sweetie,” Pepper said, watching James bite into a cookie.  “Make sure you stop by the potty before bed, though, okay?”  


After that, the wailing didn’t stop until midnight.


	13. Welcome

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vampires require an invitation.

It takes a while for the whining to penetrate Tony’s caffeine-fueled hyper focus.  He’s in the zone, mind racing with clear, crisp designs that he can’t quite replicate through JARVIS’s holograms, let alone on paper.  At first, he doesn’t register the noise at all.  When it grows too intrusive to ignore, he assumes it’s something caught in the HVAC, a part come loose that’s scraping against the ventilation shafts.  He turns up the music and keeps working.

It’s not until Tony pauses to refill his mug that he finds the real source of the sound.

It’s James, of course, and he should have expected that.  The kid’s pressed up against the glass like a suckerfish, letting out a low whine with seemingly no need to take a breath.  It’s typical of his behavior when Tony locks him out of the lab, but the lab isn’t locked.

“Door’s open, James,” Tony says.  “And stop doing that.  You sound like a human dog whistle.”  


“Vampire!” James doesn’t move an inch.  


“Right, sorry, a vampire dog whistle.  ‘Cause that’s so much more dignified.”  


“No!” James stomps his foot, throwing off his balance and bumping his nose against the glass.  “Ow!  I’m a vampire and you have to invite me!  Otherwise I can’t come in!”  


Great.  Another one of those days where James decides he has to follow ‘cool’ vampire rules, then.  He’ll probably throw a fit about garlic the next time he sets foot in the kitchen.  “Kiddo, yesterday alone you barged in here five times without asking.”

“I’m a vampire!” James insists, tears in his eyes.  Tony’s not sure if it’s from the bump or the nonsense.  “You have to invite me!”  


Tony rubs a hand over his face.  It’s not worth arguing about.  Not when he’s wasting precious armor-designing time.  “Come on in, James.”

He regrets the decision not more than five minutes later, when it turns out James doesn’t need an invitation to try and climb into the centrifuge.

*

James has been in ‘cool’ vampire mode for three days now, and Tony’s about to snap.

Every time he walks from one room to another, there’s wailing from the doorway.  Whenever he grabs a snack from the kitchen, James is waiting at the threshold, pleading for Tony to share.

Last night, James interrupted what could have been a long overdue evening with Pepper because he insisted he couldn’t go into the bathroom without being welcomed first.

“Just have JARVIS tell him to come in,” Pepper had offered.  


“He can’t walk in any room he wants at any time!  JARVIS will just end up asking me whenever James comes to a doorway.”  


There’s no reason for a billionaire with a half dozen fancy coffee machines in his penthouse alone to ever need to go to a coffee shop for his morning joe, but at least James can’t follow him here.  Tony slumps back in his chair, massaging his temples.

A woman walks in and the jingling bell on the door that announces her arrival makes Tony’s head throb.

But it also gives him an idea.

*

“Wel-co-may,” James reads, sounding the letters out.  “Wel-co-me.  Welcome?”

“That’s right,” Tony says.  “It’s a welcome mat, James.  It tells you you’re welcome in before you even ask.  Cool, huh?”

 James’s smile positively glows, and between that and the prospect of some peace and quiet, it’s totally worth the weird looks Tony got for rush-ordering a hundred welcome mats.

*

“I thought you didn’t want to give him free reign over the tower?” Pepper asks.  She glances over the top of her book at the mat in front of the bedroom door.  


“That’s the beauty of it,” Tony says.  He moves the mat inside the room before closing the door.  “It’s that easy to keep him out.”  


“Then he’ll cry outside the door like a lost puppy,” Pepper counters.  


Tony shrugs, sliding onto the bed beside her.  “Guess we’ll have to make some noise of our own, then.”


	14. Vacation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vampires have to take precautions at the beach.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is set in 2011.

“I’m dying!” James wailed, staining the hotel’s pillowcases with his tears.  


“Shh.”  Pepper rubbed the aloe over the reddened skin on James’s back.  “You’re not.  It’s just a sunburn.”

“It’s what happens to little vampires who insist they’re too cool for sunscreen,” Tony said.  His sympathy was limited considering how much of his vacation so far had been spent hauling himself up from the beach chair to rescue James from imaginary jellyfish.  


Of course that was when Steve opened the door.  His arms were full of candy from the vending machine in the hall, presumably purchased to bribe James into silence.  Tony would make a remark about responsible parenting, but even a vampire sugar high was preferable to the wailing.

“That’s not what happened,” Steve said, eyes narrowed, as if he’d gone to the beach with them instead of staying holed up inside, windows drawn.  “He said he was having too much fun to remember to reapply it.”  There’s a bitter note in his voice, like he thinks Tony should have wrestled the kid out of the water to slather him in SPF 100.  


“Like that’s any better.”  Tony couldn’t keep from rolling his eyes as Steve shoved past him to get to the bed.  


“James?  I got gummy bears for you.”  


James sniffled, rubbing his wet face against the bedspread.  “Do they have the clear ones?” he asked weakly, as though he’d drop dead right there otherwise.

Steve, of course, ate it right up.  “Yes.”  He brushed James’s hair back from his face.  “They’ve got all the colors, lamb.”

“I can’t eat.”  The kid’s eyes were brimming with tears again.  “Everything hurts too much.”  


And Steve actually _moaned_ , deep in his throat, like he was seriously buying these melodramatics.  If he hadn’t learned better in the past three hundred years, he was hopeless.

“Sit up, James.”  Pepper nudged at his leg.  “Gummy bears make vampire sunburns heal twice as fast, you know.”  


The kid was up like a shot, biting straight through the bag instead of bothering to open it.

Typical.


End file.
